Really tuned in Dad

This Saturday I learnt an important lesson from a couple from my childbirth class.
She was in labour, the slow and gentle, start stop kind of labour that I really like. The gentle vibrating energy spread out slowly and steadily, waxing and waning to give her the time to keep up and then finally building up into a crescendo where from life emerges. (Maybe I am reading too many magical mythical books).
She felt this rhythm all night on Thursday and come morning of Friday things slowed down. I met her late afternoon Friday. She was anxious about all this and wanted perhaps some rationale. The hospital staff was trying to help with suggestions of being active or induction. There was conflict in their minds (her and her partners'). And then there was the clock... tick tock.
She was timing and charting her contractions and to add to this medley she was having contraction that were not painful - surprisingly that’s one of the things that was adding to the confusion as well.
Have we ever realised how contractions and pains has become synonymous for the most people.
Hospital Staff: How are your pains?
So how does the mom reply ... lets try couple of versions
Mom: pains are good ... very good, actually I am in extreme pain OR
Mom: Sorry doc... I don’t have much pain... OMG does that mean i'm not doing well.
So coming back to this couple...the "pains" had slowed down, and they were actually writing the timing for each contraction with a footnote of P=painful and WP =without pain. As I walked in I sensed the anxiety... not saw but sensed. Every body looked easy, family was supportive but the anxiety mixed with confusion came off strong from this room. My suggestion was a warm shower, to relax and shut off the clock, and think of them selves as tourist in a hotel room and go out shopping or supper or whatever they wanted, including going home. Anything but thinking about the labour or what’s going on with them. They did most of the above... went out for dinner, took a nap... and come evening she was well on her way to bring her baby into the world. Later that night she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
When I spoke to them the next day.. their recount of the events made me realised that how much tuned the father had gotten to the mom's feelings. He understood how things changed for her as her surroundings, support and thoughts changed. With this heightened sense he also felt isolated in the support he wanted for his wife. At one point he could sense her ... yet some of the people who work day in and say out with women giving birth could not. He felt helpless, unsupported and I think the word he used was traumatised. It brought back the memory of the first woman I supported. It reminded me that in the last four years or so, while I have seen less and less of this, it still is a common occurance in birth. What did he think was really needed - just a little deference to the work of the labouring mom. Eye contact while talking, a touch on the shoulder to say she was doing good, a quick smile, telling her what’s being done before sticking in an injection, a little quiet atmosphere around her...
Looking back, each time she was left alone, uninterrupted and not questioned... she did well
So have we become so insensitive to the vulnerability and strength of the mom that our actions are mechanical and our reactions come from a place of fear?
Huh! ... we have become mechanical and our reactions come from a place of fear. Let’s take ourselves out of maternity wards and labour rooms and then see. Is this what we want in our lives? We all ... moms, dads, doctors, nurses, doulas ... each one of us are humans and unless we find a sense of pride in what we do and passion in our own lives, is it really worth while? As we bring this pride, passion and a sense of humanity in our lives we will bring the same to the birth rooms we work in. It will be a big step in changing how our babies are born.