Seeing Myself as a Mother
First off I feel that this should be an ongoing assignment for me. It reminded me of something I had forgotten in the recent times. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I was anxious about being the perfect mother. My grandmother, an uneducated but very wise woman said, whatever you need to know the baby will teach you, just keep listen to your child. I followed her advice for many years but with kids growing up and life moving on sometimes we forget the simplest things.
When I began this drawing I thought I knew what I felt and was most challenged in how to make the right picture. And the picture took over, something I have experienced before, but this time I did realise that it took over. So I kept drawing and ended with a lot of hats and lot of balls.
I see myself standing tall and strong on a see saw with a whole lot of hats and a lot of balls in the air trying to juggle. I have already understood the duality of life and haven’t looked for the idealistic thing for a long while. I see smile and tears together and it could either be tears of joy and it could just as well be a smile through my sorrow.
I know for sure that I have a dark side and many times my children have seen it. I learnt the lesson of unconditional love from them when they could love me through my darkness. I see light in me balancing the darkness.
I need to protect my children and hold them to me yet I need to set them free, to be the person they are. The picture tells me it’s a balancing act through and through.
The balls in the air are the different aspect of things I need to balance. Boundaries and freedom and where that line in between is is my constant challenge with a 13 year old boy and 10 year old girl.
I realise that as a mother I wear a lot of hats. I am the cook and driver; I am the teacher and the friend. I play many roles that my children need me to play. But the picture brings home my need to be my own person and not feel selfish or guilty. I want to be a smart attractive and intelligent woman in my own right with my own needs being fulfilled away and beyond being a mother. It challenges the giving image of the mother in my mind sometimes and brings about guilt. But left unfulfilled has always brought on the dark side of me. It’s only counterproductive to not nurture myself. So I am mother to myself as well.
I balance the children’s needs and my needs. That brings about another element of pull and push to the balancing act. In all I believe what my grandmother was saying is that if you stay open, you will be able to keep adjusting to keep the balance. For me being the mother is not one thing its many, it’s not constant but changing but it’s definitely about shifting ever so slightly to keep the balance
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